Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to erase the past, it does come and haunt you. Even if you've got evidential facts that nothing bad's gonna happen and even after you promised yourself you won't step into the same trap again, one trip and you're back to square one to feel the burn. After I forgave Craig and after he apologized for so many times (which wasn't really needed since I was gonna forgive him anyways), I felt a rush of insecurity. It affected my work and my mind. I couldn't breathe right and all I kept seeing when I chat with Craig was Piggy. Piggy as in Piglet, a name given to my ex, Simon, who IS a great man don't get me wrong.
There was something he said that rushed through my head all the time whenever I'm in my lowest threshold for containing myself. "What happened to you, Hein? When I first knew you, you were confident." Yeah, what happened to me? It didn't help that there were so many guys out there who wanted to fuck my boyfriend and it didn't help either that he loved attention. I even let myself go onto someone while I was struck by the insecurity and I cheated on him. He never did. I did. Cos I needed to be reminded that I am still strong.
Craig is a good man. I've never judged him. He has some flaws as much as I have mine. I smirk whenever he says 'we're meant to be for each other' only cos I know it's true. But I never said it out loud or typed it to him. It was something that would just stay in my heart despite whatever he thought of me. I knew I've given him enough care and attention and I always make sure I got some left for him.
What he did was not wrong. He didn't do anything. But what he said made me cry, made me think twice, made me question myself and made me forgive him. I tried to stay three days without talking to him or getting online, but I couldn't even for twelve good hours. Then, I felt bad about myself, how weak I feel about myself. But then again, according to my rule in life, I like to live life like today's the last. So, I did stick to my guns. Modest and honest he is, he was happy. He did not chuck a 'oh i knew you were coming back' cocky shit like most men do. That impressed me.
Some say it's chemistry and some say it's invited. But the mixture of insecurity and fear I have when I talk to Craig now is unavoidable. I feel like a plague had just entered my mind. A sickness. An illness that I don't know if I could kill it. I killed it once but it struck again. Ah well, some actress did fight breast cancer twice and they made pink water bottle caps outta things. I guess, as an optimistic person as myself, I will get better soon but I can't help thinking what if this is another Simon and me... a relationship I created and killed.....
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