Come To Terms

Firstly, let me just clarify that I do have a blog and I only give it away to those I think would actually be interested in reading it. Ironically, you could actually just google part of these sentences and you got yourself a direct link to my actual blog address. So, why is this entry on facebook? In addition to this entry not having anyone I bitch about, I guess this is something I would regret not having shared with those who likes to read or just think cos you never know what's gonna happen to me for every 'tomorrow's that you could think of.

Late bloomer. I see myself as a late bloomer and this is probably the main reason I am writing this only five days later. Yes, fireworks happened and some people ended up too drunk to notice if they were actually kissing a beer bottle or their partners but here I am, celebrating the new year with a recognition. Everyone of us are stubborn and that would fog up any clarity that life actually have. Some people ask why but little do they know that the answer was always there for them, if not for their stubbornness being a bit of a roadblock in their heads.

Today was a good day. For once, I felt good and I felt like I have totally fit myself in with the system. I woke up early and prayed in front of a shrine, as opposed to doing rosary beads on the car on my way to work. I ate breakfast without fearing any calories intake would make me look like a car tyre if my body's placed horizontally. I went to work and god, I felt so fresh seeing my colleagues at work; new haircuts or just the same old them but the morning was spent pretty much with a lot of us saying "Happy New Year" for umpteenth time. I talked with my partner online without feeling like I don't know him at all and with a bit of a more casual talk rather than 'what have you been doing with who?'; the fact is, if he loves me, it'll happen and for now, I choose to believe it. I went to gym after work and got myself a trainer and it was fun to see that my stomach was actually 40 inches wide, as opposed to the 'thirty fours' sized pants that I could easily fit into; it's crazy how I can fit into an American 30 and it's even crazier to know that that comes from a country where they have "Supersizing" in their McDonald's. Did I mention I ate lunch? I had two dishes and I ate dessert to the point where my boss asked me to go on diet so she could pay me out whenever I chucked the "I'm on a diet" line, with which she would normally probe whenever I would be eating something. I came home and had salad for dinner with my grandparents and we talked like we never used to before. It's been a while and I got to watch an Adam Sandler flick after dinner.

I guess this year brings me the act of 'being in terms with'.

I'm 28 and it's hard to feel simply honestly happy when everything around me is much more complex than Amy Winehouse's beehive. I love the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou, where she sang "there's beauty in breakdown". It did make me think what she actually meant but I guess, today, I found out that it's just the act of 'coming in terms with'.

My dad died when I was 19. I thought I played it cool. To be honest, I became louder, happier and just more awesome and cool in the socializing game. It was partially fear since this would make me dadless and I don't really have a man figure to kind of follow. So I guess I got busy finding my own route to maturity. As a normal human being, I don't really expect myself to find that 'maturity' level, given there are many ways to look at any single word off a dictionary. That's why religious wars happen! People are just too different to have an honest same level agreement in life. I guess, my dad's death had made me question "Why him?". It's funny how some of my friends think that I don't really like my dad. Well, I don't talk much about him. This was not because I could break down and cry.. like come on, it's been more than a decade and he's just dust now. I guess I just don't like to talk about him much because he was a perfect man. He did have his flaws here and there and I'm sure as a normal mid-aged wife, my mom would sarcastically chuck a stand up comedy on these flaws one by one. My life was followed by insecurity. I had suicide attempts, my sexuality was abnormal, I had secrets with my family and I have failed to express myself more to anyone I trust. Why? Because I was scared of not following up to his footsteps. I wanted to be as good as him and given there won't be him anymore on planet Earth, i guess I have always been finding my own very ways to clarify what's right or wrong in life.

Looking at my life now, I have a mom and sister who's not near me and for whom I have come back to Burma for. Mom does not know that my partner's a man. My sister does not approve of me telling it to anyone and my grandparents are pretty much in denial. My reaction? Meh. I've come in terms with it and it's just not worth solving and I guess some issues in life are just better left alone and they're pretty much easier to adapt yourself to than to make the others adapt to your way of thinking. I hate labels and the only reason I have ever used the word 'gay' is whenever I need to find me someone who would KNOW that I could easily be flirting with him, unless he is not into same gender sex. Now that I've got myself a partner, I do not really find the need to use that term anymore. Don't get me wrong. I support gay rights, I love Harvey Milk, I take pride in Mardi Gras and I still think Kitty Glitter and Charisma Belle are two gorgeous people. However, I have come to terms with the fact that I am just a person who likes to sleep with anyone I love and it just so happened that that person at the moment owns a schlong. Not my problem, guys!!!

I have also proved myself that I can have one flawless day. This will never measure up to what my dad was when he was alive but I am glad that I could at least live a day of his life and could kinda see myself more fitted into his 'son' category. It's a cop out to be honest. "Sorry dad, I fuck men but look, I just had a perfect day as you would easily do."

I have done so many things in 2009 that are not suitably acceptable but there are just so many little things that I have also done to be proud of. I buried a lot of hatchets and I totally respect those people who got back into my life regardless of the level of disagreement between us. I was exposed to Buddhism just like I was exposed to Oxford Street when I first got to Sydney. Yeah yeah, some of you might find me wrong to compare my religion to a pride street in Sydney but seriously, it's the act. It's how people come in terms with stuffs. I have grown to be able to smile proud calling myself a Buddhist and also a homo and might I add, I would love to be the one who would be giving close minded people the weird look. It's Generation Y, darls... shouldn't you be into androgyny yourself?

I hate reading long passages and if I have to be considerate on readers' behalf, I'm gonna stop here. I guess you could see this blog entry as a show off, despite the fact that it sounds better than one of my friends whose status would revolve around how good her lovelife is despite the yonks and cobwebbed time passed. Yes, it's good to love someone but it's also a bit weird when you act like everyday is your first. You don't give your teacher an apple in high school, babe. I guess this blog entry is a bit of a 'hey I just realized something to make all of our lives so much easier. Get with it or discard the idea". I am not the proud founder of this method of 'getting in terms with things'. I am only someone who's seen it flash in front of my eyes today. You could either relate or criticize.

So, what is this gonna be for you? Would you 'come in terms' with the flaws you see in me? Have a think and make sure you stick to your decisions 'cos there's nothing worse than an aged person crying out of regret. :D

NOTE: This entry was never published on facebook... just don't really find the need to :)