You're in this field of nowhere. Nothing surrounds you and there's no one around you. You're looking around helplessly and you heard a sound. You look back and you see this huge ass rocket bomb heading your way. The radius of the thickness of the rocket bomb is the size of the field. You can't run sideways and even if you run forward, the speed of the rocket bomb is faster than you. So, what do you do? Well, in this case, what did I do? I ran knowing it's no use running away from the rocket bomb which is about to head my way.I felt like shit on Saturday. It was a new way of dealing with things not to be yourself and stop yourself from doing things. People say 'be yourself' but I guess there are things we undertake to blend in with the majority the society kinda agrees on. It's like manners. I was taught to do the 'right' things as a kid and I have done it. So, why can't I do this? As I thought about it, I decided that I won't contact Ben til he contacts me. It's a normal thing most of us do but knowing that the ball is in his court, calling him/messaging him is not the way I'm gonna deal with this.
After work, Mama Mills asked me if I wanted to come over to her place. I ditched both Jess and Leah telling them the truth though. I told both of them that I felt really shitty, which was true. Mills has these two rabbits, who incredibly were friendly towards me and this kinda surprised Mills. It was pretty good to talk to Tio since I think I'm beginning to respect him more like a bro of my own as opposed to the protective boyfriend of my bestfriend/ex boss Mills.
Tio went to Ivy for some of his work calls duties and to keep Mills busy, we went to Columbian and Shift and one thing led to another and we forgot to stand by for Tio's phonecall at 12. We left at 3am and I really hope/wish Mills and Tio are ok. The last time I checked Tio sent this angry message to Mills.
So, back to the rocket bomb.... The rocket bomb ( a huge catastrophe ) is bound to happen and I am standing helplessly on this desserted field with nowhere to run to. The bomb is of course a metaphoric intepretation of Ben's behavior towards me if things should go bad. The field is my mindset which is quite blank during these days with me in the middle knowing nowhere to run. So, what about me running? Why do I still have hope and keep running as opposed to giving in to this rocket bomb...
One thing for sure is cos I like him...
But how did I run? I met Austin on Saturday night. Austin and I have always been on a love-hate relationship. We flirt with each other. I do think he's hot and vice versa and we can't really control ourselves when we see each other. But some part of me HATES his guts and he hates mine too. He saw me and came and talked to me and as predicted in the middle of our convo, he interrupted my speech with a liplock and the rest was a huge epitomic PDA saga. We went out and weird shit happened. This was how our convo went.
A: you hate me
me: I hate no one
A: nah you hate me so much I could tell. Why didn't you contact me?
me: cos you're scary, man.
A: I'm sure you just hate me
me: ok fine maybe I did
A: it's hot that you hate me
and yep before you know it the two haters had a weird pash out. If only Ben was around, I'd be so doomed. It felt so right yet wrong to kiss Austin that night. I got my self esteem back and I kinda felt good about it cos I really need a self assurance that I am able to get guys. I know this sounds a bit self righteously arrogant but I do need my flirtability check while I'm feeling helplessly down with my ego/conscience . However, the worst thing I could do to someone actually happened after that. Austin asked me to date him and forget Ben. He seemed so confident and I know I have always liked Austin and always wanted to go further with him. He even offered a 'night' with me without having to let Ben know. I find that sneaky but it was a pretty good offer. So, after all these things circulated my head, and after choosing to run away from the rocket bomb feeling quite good that I'm running though I'm in trouble (I enjoyed the Austin moment while my life's fucked with Ben), I chose my direction. The field has NO directions but I chose it.
Liking Ben has no options at this point but I chose my way. I told Austin that I cannot date him since I'm dating Ben and that I do not want to date two guys at once. He messaged me back saying he'll never bother me again. I lost Austin. I lost my energy running but yet I chose a direction. I know this is not a movie to know that I'm gonna survive this rocket bomb but I am trying my best. I am trying to learn how things work. I am curious and quite inquisitive about things that could happen when you're in the middle not knowing where things are headed to.
As stubborn and carefree as I can be, I have decided to go on with this flow. I'll wait for Ben's message or phonecall but at the same time, if another "Austin" moment occur with any guys, I'll use it to redeem myself and to make sure I am capable of feeling good if shit should happen. In another words, I have used Austin to gain my confidence back.
The funniest thing I've learnt is despite my whole charitable blogs about how I'm undergoing this unfair trip with Ben, I realized that I am doing this for someone I truly love...
me
Mood:
still lost
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