Lost

This dark figure was walking towards me. That's one of the things I hate about walking home. Like, before you reach my unit, you have walk this long street with bushes and houses at your left and right. And since there were lights around the end of it, you can see anything that is coming towards you while you're walking towards my unit. So, there I was walking and I saw this figure. It was of a guy I think but it was just too short. And something in my head just asked me to go left and walk on the road and not the pavement. So, I did. And as I was nearing the part where I last saw that silhouette, I kinda had another nudge in me that says 'do NOT look at your right' but I did. I saw these two hands behind this tree. It must've been a person or something but the feeling that I know it was there and I see it right at that moment scared me. Then I called Aarti to just feel like I had someone to talk to and walked home not looking back.

Now, I'm not saying it was a ghost or anything like that but the fact that I knew it was gonna be there still scared the shit outta me and the fact that it told me to walk on the road and all. The figure was looking at the direction of my walk. Like the hands were kinda turned backwards to me at first but as I passed, it followed my view. I have no idea what it was but yeah....

So, let's start with Ben. I got messages from my friend in Melbourne, Cam. I'm glad most people read my blog cos I think blogs are the only way of keeping in touch and it saves you the trouble of saying things like "how's it goin" or asking about your dog when your dog just died a day ago. So, his message was something along the line of 'don't go for something that's not worth it'... so, it DOES seem like I'm talking Ben a bit down on my blog. But it's a bit of my mentality as well. You see, when I like someone, I LIKE them. I don't have confusions and I just go straight to conclusions. This sometimes scares people off. I haven't told Ben anything but I'm guessing Ben is at this stage where he doesn't know what he wants with me. It's a shame actually cos it seems like we get on well together. However, what Cam said was true as well. I do deserve someone better. I am not saying Ben is living to my expectations.. well not yet.. but then again, I have to be careful that Ben might be my boyfriend OR MIGHT EVEN NOT. The 'NOT' part is what I'm scared of and not really putting it in my head. So, from today, why don't I just put that as a possibility and make Ben my 'might not be' as well. I am not being negative but I'm hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst. I do like him lots. So, it's gonna burn if we don't have the same wavelength. Cos the way things are going...

1. He would NOT let me add him on my facebook account.

2. He asked me about monagomy and told me he still lives with his ex.

3. It's always me who initiates our hang outs.

4. Since the first date, I've been the one calling or messaging him first. He DID call me but it was due to my message saying "let's hang out", to which he said he wasn't free.

5. He's always online on manhunt. I am too but I'm there to actually try to talk to him. Cos Benhead does not have msn and I think manhunt's like the only way of communication.

Five things make me think that he's slipping away possibly from me or just being 'normal'. He might just be being lazy or I might just be paranoid. One way or other,.. I guess it's time I sit and wait.... I got drunk last night and messaged him which I TOTALLY regret.. Normally I wouldn't regret things but THIS i do.. DEEPLY... He didn't message back anyways.

So, Med Revue's got the 2008 event of the year award. Now, my view on this is. We did do a good show.. Kudos to the directors and producers but without us putting ourselves as nominees, we wouldve been ignored. So, I think I'd firstly congratulate the producers of 2009 for bringing it up, Jack for motivating them to write things and Owen and Mel for actually writing it. It's our attempt to show the Arc people HOW AWESOME 2008 med revue group was. I'm glad we get to keep the trophy but it's a win for all of us as opposed to 'who's behind this award'... I think it's a combined effort of 2008 and 2009.

I got so drunk last night btw.. I even slept at 9pm. That' s just ridiculous. Free bar tabs are just so amazing.... *thirst*

To be brutally honest, I feel a bit lost now. It's been two whole good weeks with someone to call my potential bf. But now that I've stepped back to reality, it's time to reboost myself again and I'm as lost as anyone without a roap map on their first trip to a good place can be. Happy yet unsure... :)

Music: India Arie - Beautiful

Mood: lost