Yes, I am quite aware that this is not the final storm. I guess the whole holiday and seasonal celebratory spirit is setting me up in a calmer mood. Confident with a new love I've found (and by my way), contracted to a job for stability, a career that's waiting to be awoken and a PR to be waiting for, I feel like I have so much in my hands but the only solution is to not care about the consequences it might have on me regarding negativity. I hate pre-assumptions anyways. It's where you are two steps ahead of the future, not knowing what it actually is. So, I'm calmer than ever lately.
I still think about Craig. Must be a good sign eh? I'm sure my friends are all worried about me at this instant reading this. Is Hein falling for a wrong guy again? Is he going to get hurt? I guess they all know I've been keeping this love thing out of my hands for more than three years now and they also know the epic fail projects I've had when it comes to dating the wrong person thinking they're the ones. I guess, despite the shame and pain, it heads me to a better path in the right direction. Be whoever Craig is, I feel the need to let my feelings go and do accordingly to what it asks me to do and at the moment, it's asking me to think of him while I type. And of course when I think of him, I keep seeing this image in my head of two men in an airport, never met before and just seeing each other in the face in real flesh. That always comes up first whenever I think of him. Strong will? Fuck it, I'm the psychic.. I know shit hahahaha.
I still think about my career. Amidst the fake surroundings and people I'm normally scared of, people capable of changing what others see of me, I'd say fuck it. I mean.... life's too short to ever think of who's gonna do what to you and who's to avoid according to what others say. I was talking to one of my close friends (you know who you are) about how if I were to be judged, no one would want to be my friend. Of course, I have my side of the story and of course I think I did the right thing. For the wrong things that I agreed to as I've done, I've tried not to repeat the same mistakes but those that I've done nothing wrong but been misjudged for the opposite, I can't do anything about it but accept their judgements and just go 'ah well, c'est la vie.' So I try not to judge others as well according to what I hear about them. Of course, I'll have them in my head as a bit of a safety blanket but nothing other than that. So, behold fake industries, wanna fuck with my head? Wait til it fucks ya back!!!
I think about life as it is. Good job, good boss and a career pending. If I were to ever go back to Sydney, I guess I'll be giving up on these for something I want to do. So, if you look at my life, it's both a win win and a lose lose.
1. I go to Sydney sooner than expected. Win: Goal achieved, meet Craig. Lose: my job here and my career.
2. I stay here for some time before Sydney wants me back. Win: career focused and more experience in jobs Lose: depending on me and Craig, our patience and of course the lagging wait and utter wanting to get back home.
C'est la vie, people... c'est la vie.. This boy is ok with anything.. come what may, I'll handle it the best way as I know of.
My way.
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