One would never know the limits of how much a person could risk, except when one gets himself into one that he cannot get of, does not want to get off and see no threat in doing so. Most of my friends call it 'stubborn'. Some call it 'stupidity'. Some even call it 'desperate'. I used to call it 'pathetic' and maybe that is the reason why I got myself involved in this act that I have never foreseen myself in.
Yes, I do a lot of online chats. It's tough to be a minority in a generation where most of us are not judged. You could never tell who is in which group. I am not stating 'homosexuality' as an obstacle but we all have to agree that it is in fact not a huge population, as compared to the 'straight people', which might be known as the 'norm'. However, technology and communications have made it possible for most gay men to somehow communicate with each other. Dating sites or a street for most of the clubs which cater both straight and gay people have somehow let us find each other.
I have been registered to four gay dating sites. Despite its evil name, it's not always for the sake of dates. I know it sounds totally desperate, especially when one is to judge, when someone says 'dating online' but I guess I have found my friends through there and they are nothing but beautiful normal people, who just have a craving to be with the same gender. In short, we're all normal. On a predictable scale, these sites have been used for different purposes. Some call it misuse, others call it oblivious. Some gave up on them while others keep using them or even start seeing them as for one purpose only.
Easy lay.
As much as we hate to admit it, it is so much easier for gay men to release tension sexually. Be it in a pub or through a website, it's convenience at its best. Not being sexist or discriminating but it is normal for men to have this behaviour, given most men take things lightly and not really care or care to think about consequences. Dignity, ego or integrity.... it seems as if ego defines the number of mugs of beer you could skull in one night as opposed to maintaining true love. I guess these are for some of them.
Some of us ends up being wandering dreamers. We wander around, searching for the truth behind the word 'love', the word which we all want to own or even use. Some defines it in their own ways. Others stick onto the true meaning. It's like the bible. It's passed onto a lot of people for different generations and cultures. Some made it adaptable to their surroundings while others decide to cling onto the real truth. What's the real truth? For now, it's just a source of evidence found on pages of bibles published ages ago. Since most of us love to categorize, certain things get divided. Like how Tibetian Buddhism differs from Burmese Buddhism, the word 'love', itself, has lost its meaning.
However, as I have mentioned, the wandering dreamers tend to stick it the old fashioned way. Love is about monogamy. Love is about finding something that will sweep you off your feet. Love is undefinable. Love is pure. But can we feel it?
I asked myself that everyday... As the kid of grandparents and parents who had fought and struggled for love (gramps married young and mom is still single even after ten years of dad's death), I have always wanted to feel like they did. I have wanted to own that substance called 'love'.
It seems to me, today, that love is what would cause the living cells in your body to move uncontrollably. When I talked to Craig online, I couldn't help but smile, smirk or even frown at certain things. I couldn't help hoping I could pinch his cheeks whenever he's being all dorky when it comes to spelling errors. I started to see nothing of anything that surrounds me. My focus point narrows and my mind is somewhat set upon serenity. But something that he questioned today made me think. "Why are we in love when we don't even know each other?"
My sudden reflex was my fingers typing "we're not scared". A few seconds later, I find myself thinking to myself and feeling a bit guilty for the lie I have made. My sudden response had failed to tell me that you, Hein, are in fact one scared to shits person at the moment. "Now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone...".. I've always liked that song.. and now it's all making sense. It's not being alone for me but it's the fear. One who's scared can be cured by a security blanket called love, yet he fears for the time it's going to be swept away from him. It kinda made me feel better when Craig typed "I'm scared". We're both scared.
I'm 28, a young adult and despite the only one boyfriend I've found, I am confident about the way I feel and about what I want in life. I have always been brave in that department and I have learnt the hardest way in life to know what the real meaning to the word 'want' is.
I have never mastered the way to deal with love. I was never good at games. I was never a good boyfriend to my ex. Love was passed onto me like a gelatinous jell-o that blubbers on my hand. Leaking at its best and soft in texture, it's vulnerable and quite unperceptive in its behavior. Like a big china, it stayed on my hand with fragility at its best. I have lost my grip.
Be it security blanket, be it a big vase in my hands and be it an impossible phase, I still see 'love' as mysterious and as undefinable as it always has been. And I am glad that somehow I am feeling it once again with someone I am willing to risk it for and I cannot help thinking that love almighty is grand and precious because of its vagueness and mystery.
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