Justification

It has come to the point that I can't bare to live at home. Why? Cos everywhere I walk, they followed. Everytime we talk, they talk about if I have given my CVs out. Everytime I go quiet just to avoid these conversations, they think I'm pissed off with them. So, it feels like I cannot do anything at all. Now, this makes me go out a lot and since my only friends are from UN and some NGO's, I end up going to 50 street pub, which is quite homey but it gets boring after a while. And it doesn't help that I'm trying to quit smoking/drinking, which has not even started yet. On the other hand, I feel quite down lately.

Today, at work, the two experts I used to manage were a bit down. It was all because they felt like they were doing a lot of work but yet they do not feel like they get paid enough. The ugly truth prevails and I have to admit, I agree with them BUT at the same time, there's nothing anyone can do. It's true international staffs get more than us cos if they don't, they would've never showed up here in this place. And because of legislations and some work policies, most of us do not really get what we paid for. If I had to count back the things I've done at this work, I stayed up til 9pm or 10pm and I would work weekends when/if I had to. I think I deserve more but I never asked just because I would be useless and I would feel bored if it wasn't for work. I have transformed into this one big ball of workaholic. So, after I talked to them and was a listener for quite some minute, I asked myself if I should feel the same way as them... after several minutes, I'd say no. Now, my contract is gonna continue until the end of February. Moby and Exboss are doing their best to support my contract stay...

This morning, after talking to CDG(the dude in aussieland), I felt sad. I think it was just an accumulation of the whole stress and anger with my grandparents. I know that he and I are both bottoms but I do have so much interest in this guy and we've been flirting heavier than ever. The Maple leaf turned out so weird. We were talking fine last night but at the end of the night, we lost way and we kinda had our own crowd of people. I left the bar, he left after I did but I was loitering around outside and just as I was about to bid farewell, he totally was on his own elements and he totally ignored me. I knew it was NOT intentional but for someone who was claimed to have interest in me, he didn't do enough to live that up. And this was after he talked with me and I'm pretty sure I do NOT sound that intimidating nor annoying. So, off with Maple leaf. But with this bottomboy who I have not even met, it got me to thinking why on earth do I click with bottom boys more.

Now, that made me think about any possible relationships between two bottoms. Is this doable. I asked my excrush about this. I asked her if sex plays the most important role in a relationship. She said that a relationship that is built upon sex is not healthy but normal BUT the sex that is built on a relationship is awesome. Which is quite true!!! But, I may sound like a loser.. despite my horniness, I DO NOT really prefer sex. Yes, I do it a lot of times. But it's more of an ego boost. I'm fine right now after six months without sex. I guess I just want closure and snuggles or just spooning or being spooned. This explains why I could spend 8 hours with Jacopo without sex but just kissing and when the clock hit 6am, we noticed we didn't get to have sex. I loved that guy!!!

So, I guess I am one of those weirdos who should be kept in a box. It's true you get to be the leader of your own kind and it's true you have your fair share of being awesome and the spotlight but when the show's over, you're the only one left around. So, to me, being unique can be quite lonely. But my excrush cheered me up and she said she appreciates my uniqueness and when I said 'no one could understand me', she said 'I do like you for the heinypoo that you are ' and she said 'it's closer than you think. I am always there for you'.. you know, being a softy and all that, shit like these made me smile...

So, I had a mixed day

I might not get paid for the amount of contribution I gave
I might not get loved for the amount of priorities I could adapt to
I might not have friends at the moment while socializing...

but come to think of it..

Has anyone of us ever been justified?????