Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

First of all, I'm sorry I have stopped believing in you since I was six when my granddad put some yo-yo's on my bed around midnight, not even dressed as funky as you though I kinda think the red dress is a bit gay for a bearded man. I guess the reason I am writing to you now is .. well, I don't know I can't think of one to be honest. Maybe cos my dad's not here or maybe cos I need some assurance of hope to lurk around the radius of a centimeter from my existence. If you ever do exist, you gotta be honored though since I am a good Buddhist, though I don't see Buddhism as a religion anyways.

So, first thing first, I don't know how you link your being with life? Sometimes it makes me wonder if you're just a random old man who just pops up once a year in every kids' imagination but it somehow tickles my curiosity how your whole 'be good and I will give you gifts" routine resembles karma. I mean, does this mean that if I have been good this year, I'd get what I'd ask for?

So, life has been pretty hardcore for me this year. I've felt pain, joy, relief, sorrow, confusion or anything that spells out anyone's emotions in this big world, you name it, I've felt it. I've even got a chance to learn Buddhism. The teaching says that life existence as us human beings is not a good thing. Now, that's pretty awesome because come to look at it, I have felt pain and anger in my life all because of greed or good temporary highs that happens to me. I was angry when I had to leave Sydney because I love my friends in Sydney. I was angry when I couldn't apply for jobs, cos I love work. So, it's love after all. So, I said to myself that it's no use being so sad and angry or scared over the fact that I, as a human being, exist on this planet for this life. Why? Cos emotions come and go and I guess I have to live with it.

Bottom line is the fact that I see that routine of mine as a good thing, which means I have been good this year. Wanna know more? I've also been good to myself and that's something I have never done since I was born. Proud much, Santa?

It has been a good year and now I should stop babbling and get to ask you what I want in life... it's your decision to grant me which one of these you could with your ability. Not asking for much and it's not the quantity that matters, just the fact that it's there for me would be good enough. So, these are what I wanna do and please let me have a go at them if you think I've been a good boy.

1. I want someone to love again. Not just simple love. Someone I could get angry with if that someone shows up late for dates. I want to feel jealous that every guy in the bar is checking my someone out and I want to have to go home sad and then be reliefed when that someone makes sure that I'm the one that someone wants. I want to be able to feel worried if someone don't call me by phone. It's the game of love at its best. Anger, anxiety, greed and jealousy always followed by fulfilment with the right person at the right time.

2. I want to be able to give for once as opposed to taking. I believe I've done a fair share of givings in my life but that never could be compared to what others have given me. So, I guess I want to be able to keep giving what I could when I could and where I could.

3. I want settlement and a place where I could call 'home'. Yeah it's true I have my grandparents with me and I'll alwyas love them and I'll see that house as my home but this dawg is a hustler now, santa. I've been in the streets for damn too long. I've gotta get me some home I could paint anything on the wall to and just have my own ikea items.

4. Last but not least, I want forgiveness... to all those I have offended unintentionally. It's never in my nature to offend but as you all know, I'm only human to be given chances to learn for every mistakes I make. I'm sure there'll be more coming my way and I can't wait to be able to learn from them.. but for those I've learnt from and to those who I've unintentionally hurt, I want nothing but an understanding that I'm cool with them and my desire was never there if anything would lead to cause a negative swerve.

That's all for me this year, Santa. I'm sorry I've stopped writing to ya for "Oh god don't make me count. I've been working on excel files for too long a day"... I guess there'll always a Hein in me where I believe in you and I guess according to what Oprah said about the Universe, that what you believe would come true if you believe it to be true. I'll think of ya on xmas day just to prove that I did in fact miss ya and hope I'll see ya this year and if not, you'll get another letter from me next year.

Thanks Santa,

Hein

P.S. Sorry for telling my friends in forth grade about how your big beer belly would never fit small chimneys. I did get what I've paid for. Got detention in class by my Filo teacher for laughing out loud in the middle of a class. Hope that makes us cool now? :)