Unavoidable Limits

If there's one thing that I'm not proud of as a characteristics of my personality, it's 'jealousy'. It's mainly because I cannot control it and it's so unavoidable and denial just rises uncontrollably as well, as part of the whole 'no I'm not jealous', which gets worsened to the stage where you go 'no I should NOT be jealous at this but I am'.

It's even worse when you're jealous about an object that you don't own or even know. CDG and I were talking on facebook and then he started telling me about dating this guy and ended up pashing and shit. It went all ok, until it turned out to be one of my acquaintances of Oxford st.

1. I was not jealous. WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? It affected the way I talk to him. Me, knowing this acquaintance (let's call him the socialite) is more of a social whore and a huge champagne and demure wannabe, gets a bit frustrated at the level that CDG is bringing himself to. I mean.... of all the people.. it HAD to be socialite!!!

2. I should not be jealous.. DAMN FUCKEN RIGHT. cos I have not even met CDG and I don't even know him, let alone own him, and even if I DID own him, according to my theory on 'relationships'(be it flirt or boyfriends), I should NOT be bothered.

3. Did I just judge? Hell yeah.. I mean.. Socialite might be a nice guy but just because I do not live his lifestyle does not mean he's a bad person. Yes, it's true he comes out as this prada filled boy(though he's never talked about prada) who just likes to hang around with friends (and I mean lots of friends) and just kept being self absorbed.

4. Am I seeing myself in another person?? It takes one to know one and I'm hating this more cos he turned out to be EXACTLY what I am. Ambitious, friendly, fashion sense high and just good presentable person. I just feel like I have a competition, when realistically, I have nada...

So, I was rummaging through facebook statuses and I was telling CDG on about how good socialite is (not exaggerated though I did tell him that he is JUST my acquaintance). But, I did tell CDG not to tell him that he knows me cos like.. I do not wanna get myself involved in some poof-group (nothing wrong with it), a group where these gay boys hang out and just talk crap and exist all the time in gay bars or just some socializing martini flavored pubs. Now, I don't know what that effect did, since there was no intention in that phrase. I was just explaining my relationship with socialite.. But somehow, I checked socialite's status and it said somtething along the lines of 'act with it or just lose out'. I don't know what's happening but that kinda made me smile, where I just assume that maybe CDG called off their next meet out at a party....

Now, I didn't like the fact that I was happy to see this status cos seriously.. I KNOW that feeling. Like, are you interested in me or what? So, my jealousy and 'likage' over CDG reigned the fact that I could put myself in socialite's shoes..

Oh god, am I actually interested in CDG?? I mean, we're both bottoms and I haven't even met him!!
Urghh, funny how chatting can build up something between two strangers!!!!!

I'm not happy that I'm jealous.. I shouldn't be... urgh!