Alone

So, I've reached this point where I feel all alone. It's not loneliness but it's more of a choice to be on my own. It's not like I don't have any friends or any company around me but I just know and feel like I am finally in this stage where no one can help me but maybe luck or fate. I got two issues at the moment. Trust issues and the PR application issue.

First of all, after the incident of the designer and Red, I have totally pushed them outta my life. The fact that Steve and KP called me a drama king also made me think my issues are too much for them given I'm normally the smiley bloke who takes in whatever they need to whinge about. So, I can't discuss things with them. KP's wife is far too innocently nice and Steve's wife has been a bit far away from me since she started to do business with the designer for the reason I respect.

Second, my family. I came back to Burma with the intention to make things right but because of my sister's issues with her husband, I've finally learnt that you cannot change or decide for others but you can help them out when/if they ask you. My sister hates the fact that I'm a homo and I cannot tell her anything related to my issues, although she gave me this cutest concern when I was having issues with Red. Maybe cos she's happy I'm getting hurt and just want me to end up with a nice girl? My mom, I've always wanted to come out to her but when I came out to my sister, she stopped me from telling my mom cos she thought my mom would commit suicide if I told my mom. Now, I've asked my mom if she wanted to know something which my sister think would make her hang herself. Mom's answer? No..... So, they both can't be there for the trust issues I've faced with Red and the designer and also won't be able to take the whole application disaster. No, I haven't been rejected but just prolonged for ages. I just don't wanna worry them given my mom's living off with 1/3rd of my salary, which is gonna change to 2/4 since I got a payraise.

My grandparentswise, they're in denial as well. When I broke up with my only ex, they refused to listen to my issues and asked me to just concentrate on my life, career and uni. Since then, I never cared to even let them know about my homosexuality. About the PR application, they know and to make things worse, they worry twice as much as I do and it's been pissing me off since I do not really get the calmness and serenity I so long for after work and plus, this always keeps me in the office til 9pm.

Last but not least, to every friends in Sydney who I know who would be there for me but let's think realistically. You guys are not here and there's nothing you could do but just worry sick like I am right now.

So, why bother telling all of the aboves about my issues.....
Cheesy as it sounds... like the Green Day song..

I walk alone... I walk alone...

and I know there's no one out there at the moment...
the only thing that's worse than one is none....

but a little light in my body just knows something good is coming.... cos times like these is just a slap in the face to assure me to use the good shit wisely..

but of course like any other human beings, I feel so alone...