Drama Queen

I guess not being in the 'know' is the suckiest feeling anyone could ever have. I don't know how people choose to ignore it or fake it to dig for more but when my way of playing games is concerned, I feel better being in the 'know'.

After putting in so much effort to better myself out of this dilemma, I have come to realize that unless I respect my decision and stick to what I want to do, I will never get what I want no matter how right others' advices are. I mean, they might be right after all but we seem to ignore the real difference between right and wrong. There isn't any difference between those two, given anyone could see it in any way. Now, why would you want to act upon someone's perspective on 'rights' and 'wrongs' when YOU are the one who will be suffering after the actions taken according to their what's wrong or right.

So, not following my workmate's advice, I have decided to message Red. My workmate wouldn't mind since she doesn't make a big deal out of anything. And also not following or even believing what my friend said, I have finally decided to risk this. I don't care if Red is gonna use me or if he's even acting gay just to have my money. The thing here is me. I will be happy just to talk to him and be able to communicate openly with someone I have a huge crush on and quite keen to start something, if there's any.

Someone told me online that things DO happen for a reason and Red wouldn't just hop out of anywhere to just use me.. given I'm not that much of a filthy rich whore anyways.

So, I contacted Red and asked if his family was ok. Yes, worldwide disasters do give me an ice breaking topic. Given his family live right at the part of Phillipine where the typhoon hit and given it's gonna be hitting on Saturday, it's only fair that I give this boy a 'are you ok' flag.

Good choice I thought because despite the fact that I told him I'll leave him be if he's busy, he chose to keep talking to me while waiting for messages from his family. Then we talked.

To cut things short, I told him I do NOT know what to call him in front of my friends and that I don't even know if he's straight or gay. He doesn't know either but he did say he likes me. So, I told him that unless I know that there is something out there for me to go for, I won't make any moves. I also told him how stupid I feel that he always ends up initiating moves. I mean, why can't I be the first one to hold his hands? Why can't I hug him? I told him I would like to walk hand in hand with someone I care about and not behind him while he's doing all the moves. I also told him how I really held onto him only because I really like him and given I have nothing to be desperate given there are a bunch of gay guys out there and he would not be god given's gift that I want to kick him outta straightville for.

After so much honesty and quite something that I have avoided doing for years to someone I like, it worked out well. He told me his point of view and that he wanted the same things I did and that he would like to walk hand in hand with me as opposed to me behind him.

I told him I would be there at Sedona that night after I hung out with Steve and co.

Now, this was when shit happened. Steve came over to KP's house late and it ended up with KP, KP's wife, Steve and me at his place. Steve's wife didn't show up, the reason being their house had a power cut and their kid won't sleep. But the real reason was the fact that Steve's wife did not want to be between me and the designer.

Ok, it was half my bad. I called Steve's wife and I was telling him how I am not going to trust the designer anymore when Red is concerned. No matter what she says about him, I will ignore. And I meant that JUST FOR RED's CASE and not for others. However, Steve's wife who's doing business with the designer, refused to either go to our drinking place or the designer's party.

At first I thought that was pretty stupid of her given she's the most mature of our group. But when Steve and KP told me something else, I realized that Steve's wife was not the immature one but the designer was. On Wednesday, I got drunk and I did make fun of her English. Given I had done three revues, it's hard to shut me up at times and when someone mentions they're my buddies, I DO FULLY believe that they are in FACT my real buddies. So, at times, I would overtease.

Now, Steve and KP saw me as this drama queen who brought in this package(RED) along to kinda smoke up our group of six that used to go out almost every Fridays. I couldn't talk. I was so upset. I did'nt know who to get angry with. Me? The designer? KP and Steve? I mean mewise, I was just being honest and this was the ever one drama that I've opened up to them. Given I'm usually the clown of the group, people find it quite hard to adapt to any shattered days I would face. The designerwise, I could see her point how she would get truly embarassed and would cry for getting mocked at by me for her weakness. I know it hurts I know it made her cry but I would rather she say it straight to my face. KP and Stevewise, they've always never been hesitant to say it like they see it.

So, all of us tried to track down the designer that night. She was nowhere to be seen and we gave up. Ended up going to Sedona with Steve, KP and his wife and me. Saw Red there. I was happy at first but given I told him I wouldn't introduce him to my friends unless he tells me what he is or how he wants to be introduced. So, I looked at Red from afar hoping I could just hug him and cry. I was torn. I felt so alone. I was being a drama queen and the cause of this was because I was being one on Wednesday. It even made things worse when Steve spotted Red and said "So, you went to all these drama just because of this short guy?"

Yes, I know Red is short. But that wasn't the point. I was just so gone. I got so pissed off and I dragged one woman and danced like mad with her. Went home and yes, cried myself to sleep. I just felt hated.