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Thu 2:35pm | Edit Note | Delete
In platform games, you know those path that you could hop on and you have to hop quick so they don't fall? Like Crash Bandicoot or Mario, they have to skip from one brick to another since the previous brick falls down after some seconds? That's me.. I have to skip road after to road to reach somewhere in life.
It's just all scary cos there are so many possibilities.... even acting career involved lol..
so you can't really blame me for being so 'umm so what's next'
Well, enough about that for now... now let's talk about the Unfinished....
Let's call him 'unfinished'..
Unfinished and I have talked with each other ever since I was busy with med revue and we finally met after one of my rehearsals. What started as a 'hey let's have drinks at your place' ended up in 'waking up next to him the morning after nude'. Oh surprise surprise. Now, UNFINISHED knows about me going back to burma and the fact that I do NOT have a proper date that I'll be coming back. Now, if I were him, I would just leave it since
1. I have had sex
2. He's leaving soon for a long time
3. I don't know when he'll be back
but he just kept hanging on. I have yet to meet him still next week... a bit of a boost to the 'sex' category of my life and a bit of a wonder why he still wants to see me....
So, is unfinished REALLY unfinished or is he just up for one more round of 'hey let's have drinks at your place'......
So I guess today was the day i recovered both from med revue and my grannies leaving me.. actually make that 'tonight'... I was pretty much dragged to rooty hill right after med revue.. cos
1. my grannies wanna spend time with me
2. i agree this is the only way to get rid of the withdrawal
3. i did need some space to myself to have a proper thoughts moment (though it ended up with me sleeping or eating)
It was a bit painful to see my grannies leave.. especially when I took them to the wheelchair aisle. I never realized they were getting old. I still think that I'm 23 and they're around 50 or something. I have to say they were pretty brave and healthy to have come all the way for my graduation and med revue for two seventy years old. My grandad couldn't say a proper goodbye cos he was about to cry I guess. It's a bit painful to know that my grandad could cry as well since I always see him as the man of the house. It makes me a bit sad. Plus, I'm gonna see them soon anyways... but yeah.. I was feeling like shit..
I knew Jack was still doing some uniwork at uni so I called him up to meet up and Robby was still around. Then I met Shashenka on anzac parade and then I went all crazy and I called Mina. And everyone who was at her house showed up and it was a mini cast reunion. I have decided to stay as happy and as close as I could to my friends and my casties... well, my FRIENDS that is.. cos I AM NOT a director anymore :D
But yeah.. it was nice to see Jack and Robby.... as my close friends... and this was one long mccas meal without the directors' talk...
I don't know... I can't really get sick of them.... I actually miss them and love them lots
1. my grannies wanna spend time with me
2. i agree this is the only way to get rid of the withdrawal
3. i did need some space to myself to have a proper thoughts moment (though it ended up with me sleeping or eating)
It was a bit painful to see my grannies leave.. especially when I took them to the wheelchair aisle. I never realized they were getting old. I still think that I'm 23 and they're around 50 or something. I have to say they were pretty brave and healthy to have come all the way for my graduation and med revue for two seventy years old. My grandad couldn't say a proper goodbye cos he was about to cry I guess. It's a bit painful to know that my grandad could cry as well since I always see him as the man of the house. It makes me a bit sad. Plus, I'm gonna see them soon anyways... but yeah.. I was feeling like shit..
I knew Jack was still doing some uniwork at uni so I called him up to meet up and Robby was still around. Then I met Shashenka on anzac parade and then I went all crazy and I called Mina. And everyone who was at her house showed up and it was a mini cast reunion. I have decided to stay as happy and as close as I could to my friends and my casties... well, my FRIENDS that is.. cos I AM NOT a director anymore :D
But yeah.. it was nice to see Jack and Robby.... as my close friends... and this was one long mccas meal without the directors' talk...
I don't know... I can't really get sick of them.... I actually miss them and love them lots
It has been brought to my attention that I'm in a bit of a bipolar situation. Not severe yet interior. I rarely show any sadness since I know it can be healed through good times passed with friends and with those loved ones around me so it's not much of a thing you could summon outta me to actually know what state I am in. So, my advice is not to worry but if you're reading this, you'd know why at times I would go silent or just pretty much absent in some forms.
My mindframe is pretty much set on this whole new excitement of what's next for me. Yet, the fear is always there and has always been. I told my friends during a revue 'talk' that I did revue to overcome fear and fear will always be there for me no matter how many times I'll have to conquer each occuring one.
I am given a list of things to look for which might involve a lot of 'looking for things in my room' and digits to work on which would involve a lot of calculations and negotiations. I don't really know what's gonna happen but I can try to make things , at least, work out.
Somehow, amidst these things, I was able to think... think really hard and find out more stuffs about life... or just everything in general..
Given this whole fucked up scenario at this point, I had a blast laughing at my past dramas, when I used to think that nothing can be better for me...
1. My break up with Simon... I used to remember sleeping in the living room with the TV on cos silence would just make me think of his presence.. I mean, four months in the same house with the person you love.. it's a bit intolerable.... I thought I would never be happy and all that crap.. Little do I know it's made my friendship with him a lot stronger and most improtantly it's made me so much stronger than I was back then...
2. My constant failures at uniwork... I used to question myself how I was ever gonna finish uni given I kept failing. and sometimes I would just ask msyself why I would even bother with uniwork. Age's talking and time's ticking.... but somehow I graduated... I don't really know how I did it but I did...
3. My constant search for intimate 'company'... I have dated, done one night stands and casual plays.. even picked up from clubs though that's never been my cup of tea... and somehow I go home always sad after every date dumps, early morning run after a whole night of casualty lust and just after someone leaves my place knowing 'that's it.. i'll never see that person again'... but I have failed to notice how I was enjoying every minute of it... Casual hook ups, for instance, should not be drama at all since I enjoyed it and they enjoyed it... if things don't happen, it's either their loss for not getting to know how much I can give them or just plain escape for them to find better guys.
So, all these past dramas, when looked back at them, seems a bit funny and quite enjoyable especially to know I made my way outta them alive... and sane most importantly...
Now, I feel like this kid whose parents have left them on the school playground on the first day of school. Insecure, excited, nervous yet hopeful. I know it'll be a matter of time until a teacher would come to me and ask me to do things.. she might be a lovely lady or a nazi in a dress (lol)..
Most of my friends in Burma have changed.. they've gone overseas.. they got married.. they got kids.. a family.. some died... I haven't been doing a good job of 'keeping in touch' with them since I was in awe of such genuine treatment when I got to Australia. I am not saying my friends in Burma are bad but Burma does impose a bit of a superficial underground... people do judge and discriminate at some point UNINTENTIONALLY...
now the question is
are they ready for me?
My mindframe is pretty much set on this whole new excitement of what's next for me. Yet, the fear is always there and has always been. I told my friends during a revue 'talk' that I did revue to overcome fear and fear will always be there for me no matter how many times I'll have to conquer each occuring one.
I am given a list of things to look for which might involve a lot of 'looking for things in my room' and digits to work on which would involve a lot of calculations and negotiations. I don't really know what's gonna happen but I can try to make things , at least, work out.
Somehow, amidst these things, I was able to think... think really hard and find out more stuffs about life... or just everything in general..
Given this whole fucked up scenario at this point, I had a blast laughing at my past dramas, when I used to think that nothing can be better for me...
1. My break up with Simon... I used to remember sleeping in the living room with the TV on cos silence would just make me think of his presence.. I mean, four months in the same house with the person you love.. it's a bit intolerable.... I thought I would never be happy and all that crap.. Little do I know it's made my friendship with him a lot stronger and most improtantly it's made me so much stronger than I was back then...
2. My constant failures at uniwork... I used to question myself how I was ever gonna finish uni given I kept failing. and sometimes I would just ask msyself why I would even bother with uniwork. Age's talking and time's ticking.... but somehow I graduated... I don't really know how I did it but I did...
3. My constant search for intimate 'company'... I have dated, done one night stands and casual plays.. even picked up from clubs though that's never been my cup of tea... and somehow I go home always sad after every date dumps, early morning run after a whole night of casualty lust and just after someone leaves my place knowing 'that's it.. i'll never see that person again'... but I have failed to notice how I was enjoying every minute of it... Casual hook ups, for instance, should not be drama at all since I enjoyed it and they enjoyed it... if things don't happen, it's either their loss for not getting to know how much I can give them or just plain escape for them to find better guys.
So, all these past dramas, when looked back at them, seems a bit funny and quite enjoyable especially to know I made my way outta them alive... and sane most importantly...
Now, I feel like this kid whose parents have left them on the school playground on the first day of school. Insecure, excited, nervous yet hopeful. I know it'll be a matter of time until a teacher would come to me and ask me to do things.. she might be a lovely lady or a nazi in a dress (lol)..
Most of my friends in Burma have changed.. they've gone overseas.. they got married.. they got kids.. a family.. some died... I haven't been doing a good job of 'keeping in touch' with them since I was in awe of such genuine treatment when I got to Australia. I am not saying my friends in Burma are bad but Burma does impose a bit of a superficial underground... people do judge and discriminate at some point UNINTENTIONALLY...
now the question is
are they ready for me?
For some reason, I am happy that tonight was the last night I'll ever go to shift..... probably for this year... I felt so outta it and so old and my heart's just not there anymore...
and about my sexuality preference, the confusion has hit me again
i feel like i did when i was 18...
so the question remains.. do I still like guys????
for now, the answer is I DON'T KNOW
and about my sexuality preference, the confusion has hit me again
i feel like i did when i was 18...
so the question remains.. do I still like guys????
for now, the answer is I DON'T KNOW
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