The Full Swing

Life has a funny way to teach us lessons.. and no matter how many lessons there are to be learnt, we'll never run out of lessons and there is never a proper formula in life. I've always find it important to be able to grab what life gives you... either as a gratitude or a lesson. If life is shit towards you, it's trying to tell you something and you have to find it out yourself.

Past few days, everything went downhill for me. I got blamed for things I've done. I told everyone that I know what I did was wrong and that I was not going to let that happen again....

That was a lie...

These two days.. the weekend... I thought really hard about things and finally came up with a solution for once... and now I know why life has been cruel to me...

It is because it wants me to love myself.

The following paragraph involves a bit of Buddhist preach that I've listened to from monks and all that so let me assure you that this is JUST what I believe and I am NOT saying this it the perfect correct solution for everyone... if you guys agree to it, it's awesome.. if not, maybe this belief does NOT work for you. :D

First of all, I believe in fate and karma. By fate, I do not mean we are all meant to just sit down and wait for things to happen.. THAT IS NOT FATE... if you think waiting and doing nothing is actually 'fate', yes it is... it just means that your fate involves you waiting for nothing. So, all of us DO have a life plan somehow.. and I truly believe that. From our previous lives (that I believe), whichever good deeds the past peeps had done, it will come to play in this life. Retriubtion it is.. So, somehow I believe in good shit that is bound to happen in life.

No one would have thought I would have to be studying oversea. I grew up sby and I never talk to people as a kid. No one would have even thought I would have the guts to do things I am doing now. So, yes.. my point is I believe in fate... some things surprisingly DO happen..

Lovelife
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I have always believed in young love and everlasting love though I do not believe in forever. Forever is a bit overrated and we are all born to die one day anyways. We were born as one individual and die alone. So, we do make the most of it while we're all alive. Despite this effect, I do believe in good love life and a healthy one. My grandparents married young and they love each other so much until now and my mom and dad married at early 20's and they made mistakes and fought all the time but they were always in love. I still remember my mom's face during my dad's funeral. This has totally make me believe that I, myself, do deserve a good love life...

I guess I rushed though. I used to think I'll have to work for it. So, I would find someone and totally make that someone my 'love'. This, to me, is a sign of greed. Fighting for someone to appreicate what you're doing to them is an act of greed. If you really love the person, you would wait... and of all the people, I should know better how love just don't happen to ANYONE immediately. Why am I still single now? It's only because I haven't found the one. How can I find it? Ah well, they're just around... and I'll just have to stay hopeful and be on my feet...

Lust
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So, I did enjoy a bit of exploring the 'sexual' side of my life. I never thought I would be this open minded towards my sexuality, promiscuity or my gender preference. I did not even know what I liked or wanted. Things have been fun until last week...

I went to my usual booty call buddy and I fulfilled my need. But I wasn't happy and it has somehow hit me in the head that nothing turns me on more than a potential date fuck or just having sex unintentionally after seeing someone after a while...

And about my gender preference, I don't think I'm gay nor straight. I am just someone who is passionate and open minded and who is willing to give any type a 'go'. If I find the "one" in life, be it a guy or a girl, my heart would know and I will NOT have to worry...

As for now, the love I get from my friends is more than sufficient to keep me happy.

Family
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My family has one issue. It's love. We fight because we never give in any outlooks from anyone. We never accept what others think or feel. My mom would ask me to do something JUST because she thinks it's suitable. She has stopped that now. She believes in me and at the same time, I believe in her. Same thing goes for my grannies.. I used to think they're old fashioned, overprotective and demanding. Now, I know they worry ten times than I do but it's all for me. So, I have learnt how to forgive my family and to respect everything they have done for me in the past.

Throughout the whole breakdown during the last few days, I get surprising little messages from my grandparents, mom, sis and my aunt. Between their usual preaching line, there will always at least be one line of encouragement.

My sister told me not to worry and that she would start contacting my friend to make sure I'm not friendless in Burma.

My aunty scolded me and wahed at me verbally on the phone to the point where I would totally avoid her calls but I told her few days ago that I know I've done the wrong thing.. and surprisingly, she told me to be strong and her tone completely changed.

My grandparents were torn when they first heard about everything but when I cried one morning and hugged my grandad, he rubbed my head and told me to be a young man. My grandmother , who is normally very careful with financial stuffs, left an extra 300 bucks for me to spend it after I get out of Australia in case I need it during the transit.

My mom has always been supportive and now she's just so happy I am coming back.

And about my gayness, now that I have no more confusion about my sexual preference ( like I said, I do NOT care what gender I go for ), I should NOT tell them anything about it. I am very confident about myself and I don't think it's time for me to even worry about that with them. Anyone who's reading this.. if you think you have the right to tell them or start some rumors, my advice for you is to fuck off and sort things out with your family first. Look at yourself before you judge someone.

Life
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I got what I came here for and that's the degree. Despite the fact that it's yet another piece of paper, it's gonna look damn fine for any references in the future. And now that I've become a bit more linear towards choosing a path in life, it'll be way easier for me to accept and do what I like in life as opposed to drifting around or just floating in space.

I guess this whole meltdown is a BIG FAT blessing in disguise..

I'm going back to Burma....

to see my family and get closer to them
to get in touch with the Hein that I am or used to be..
to get to know which good friends of mine will keep in touch with me
to know what I really want in life

and finally

to be ready to settle down somewhere...

it's about time, don't you think?
Get ready cos Hein is back in full swing..