I Hate Myself

By the time you're reading this, I'd either be in the surgery room or
done with it with my friggin ingrown lump out of my system. Few more
hours til the surgery room; that's gonna pass by pretty quick but the
most important thing is it's 13 days til I turn 28. The age where I
should be 'being' someone. Guess not !

As I was eating dinner today (yes it's porridge :D ), I can't help but
notice that I've become someone I used to not like. I have become my
ex-flatmate. She's around 31 right now I think but I was with her
while she was 28. I have seem to have this huge craving for ice cream
lately. I used to pay her out so much for being so childish whenever
she makes it such a huge deal to go get ice cream or a cake and then
whine about her weight later. And yes I've become a bit fatter as
well, which reminds me that's one of her other great qualities sarcasm>. So, in order to stop myself from becoming like her, I'm
gonna write down a list of a survival kit for my 28th year of my life.

1. Rules Change

I am a firm believer of formulae and theories in life but I have
always believed that they vary. After getting some compliments from my
friends about how I managed to give them a second shoulder or some
tips on things, I have become somewhat a bit proud of myself. Ego
Alert! So, yes this would make me remember that one formula I always
hold onto. "There's no such thing as being on top".. yeah, those who
climbed mount everest thinks they're the highest achiever bla bla but
those who went up to space seems even higher but even then, since our
world is round, are they actually going upwards... depending on which
planet they're destined for, eh? So, yeah.. I'll keep climbing no
matter what and will keep in mind that my rules and formulae WILL
change.

2. No Regrets/Remorse

I seem to be doing well in that department at the moment. Hello, for
someone who was a bit late for his application that fucked up a lot of
shit, I'd be in a mental ward right now if I'd taken those as regrets
of the past. I mean, you shouldn't forget it but you gotta learn from
it. I have learnt a lot and now I have set such a huge, wider and
bigger goal in life but that can be a downer. I mean, you tend to
think of BIGGER things, bigger budgets... and if nothing happens, you
shouldn't regret it... the main thing here is to move on and expect
none of those to happen and even if it does do not be in remorse...
seriously life is so short!

3. Secrets

I do not have any at this point. As a kid, I used to have shit load of
them to make myself interesting. As a teenager, friends told me stuffs
but I realized secrets were never kept well. Even the teller seems to
babble to like 44 people out of 45 only to notice he/she is the one
who he/she hasn't told himself/herself. I have none at the moment but
I do have things I do not tell my folks, only to avoid them from being
in dispair. Maybe, it's good to have a few that you can totally deny
in case of any spillage. That'll show me who my real friends are as
well. Win win!

4. Do not change others

I've learnt that you cannot change others.. I mean let alone changing
others, it's even so hard to change yourself. For example, you broke
up with your ex and you kept telling yourself that you're ok, you hate
him/her and you're better without him/her... and you wanna become a
better you.. seriously, how long does it take until that 'new' you
actually HITS you in the head? I've got some friends who has surprised
me into becoming really immature or a real asshole towards some
situations.. but I guess they won't change.. who am I to tell them
that? Even Buddha didn't preach a 'you have to be this/that' phrase. I
actually learnt this from trying to change my grandparents... didn't
work but I can LEARN to adapt to them being them.

5. Hatred does not exist

I've written this down last few days ago about hatred. There's no such
thing as hate. Hating is not the opposite of love. There's only
indifference around you. You do not like or want someone to be around
you, you avoid them. If you hate them so much, you are wasting your
time caring about them cos you DO love them enough to chip away some
time to put them in your thoughts. This is where phrases like "I hate
how I love you" make sense.

6. Don't say it, just do it

Yeah, as I am preaching and writing these down now, it's more
important to actually do them. Now, don't be let down just cos you do
NOT do things. There are always three steps in life.. Thinking...
Saying... Doing.. So, it's like a game level, once you achieve each
stage, just be happy that you actually did think or say them. Let that
motivate you to do them. I mean, if you have two gold medals already
in a tri-athon and you're tired and thinking of quitting for the third
round, think of how much you have ahieved in your two rounds before.
So, yeah... despite the fact that I have NOT done these things I've
said or thought, I'm still hopeful.

This does sum up my ex housemate. I hate to say this... I guess hating
her this much means I actually still care about her.. it's time to let
go I guess.. maybe, that'll be my twenty eighth birthday resolution.
Come to think of it. She always finds it hard to accept when her
'rules in life' doesn't stay the way she intends them to be (list
number one). She always looks to her past and regret things... she
would waste an hour or two with sentences that start with 'I should
have' (list number two) and she spills a lot of other people's beans
but she gets really angry when some accidentally spills her.. I mean,
she tried to tell my grandparents about me being gay. She said 'do not
be harsh on yourself. believe in yourself' The real reason that I've
kept it from them is cos I know it will sadden them (their culture..
my culture issues) and I seem to be fine being gay on my own and they
never get nosey with my relationship status. Plus, they cannot change
me so can't she. She thinks she can make things better by releasing
that news to them.. hello, no way, dipshit! And last but not least,
it's been three years since she last said she wants to better her life
and be happy. Well, the reason I am not with her anymore is cos she
would have this huge pms-alike tantrum whenever she's fucked with her
life and I hate how selfish she would get. I know it's hard to change
your life but don't even think about it especially when you can't even
wake up at 10am every morning, let alone 7am.

I'm gonna look at the stars on my twenty eighth birthday, a promise I
made to my med revue friends. I'm gonna look at them and think of them
and my other close friends in sydney. Make sure all of you guys do the
same on the 28th of July. You guys know who you are. Wish me luck for
my surgery.

Still missing you guys
xox