The Game of Love Part 1

It seems like everyday I've been philosophizing about love. I don't know why but being alone and single makes you think. I think this is what my ex flatmate meant by 'alone time', time to your own self. I DO also think about life and work but if things are not meant to happen, no matter what I do, it won't be there. So, since my life is all about work, love and family, I basically think a lot about love. It's true that I do feel lonely most of the times though I'm not that much of a complainer about it. But, it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Some people tell me that I'm too good for others. That makes me feel good but seriously why would you wanna be the only 'normal' one when the majority is totally opposite of you. That would also make them the 'normal' one.

Some say "Hein you're too nice and too good for the gay community". I don't buy that. I feel good but that won't make me feel uber awesome. It actually even makes me lonelier than I would've felt not knowing this. So, I was at work today and after doing what I had to do, I hung around with ex-boss who's actually my boss now AGAIN.

My relationship with ex-boss has accumulated and it has reached the point where we're so comfortable with each other and we're almost like siblings. I even told her that she'd be fun to date if only I was into girls to which she just smiled and not make things awkward. We are just so similar yet different in so many ways.

So, we went for lunch and as usual, we talked about 'love'. It's funny because that's the only topic she started to trust me with things on. It seems like I'm like her only girlfriend who would listen to her and kinda put two cents whenever I have to when it comes to people she's dating, seeing or just chasing in general. I find it quite honoring and it's very useful for me since I learnt a lot.

There were some things she mentioned today that totally made me think and I could so relate and despite the fact that I've never tried to look for solutions, now I know why I've always been single. And YES, I was wrong in the past.

* Spark *

So, when you like someone, there's always a chase. It's either you chase or he chase or both chase, but it's kinda rare to have both of you chasing at the same time, cos seriously then wouldn't it be possible to call yourself officially boyfriends and girlfriends???? So, when I like someone, I would normally get excited and go all wild and would try so hard to get his approval. Some sees this as desperate. I don't cos I know I am not but I am just excited to have a new beginning and I kinda put so much effort into things.

So, my ex-boss told me that normally people think the best part and the part where we put so much effort was the chase part. But NO! It's the one that comes after.

Now I can relate this with EVERY dates and relationship I've been through, given I've only been in ONE serious relationship. Now, with my boyfriend, it was easy cos we both were into each other but I could find things slip easy afterwards. It's not like I don't like him anymore but it's more like 'what am I here for?' and it's only cos he's been a bit hard to control (not like he cheats or anything more like my insecurity). But yeah, the guys I've dated as well, once I know I'm in the zone I get bored. That was what I did to Mark. He was a nice guy but I got bored. I guess this was all because I put SO MUCH effort in the chase.

Now, with guys like Kieran or Hedgehog, I get hurt easily because I expected too much EVEN before we hit it off as officially dating. So, I tried really hard and put in so much effort when I actually don't need to. This comes off also as desperate. So, it's like them seeing me all yippee and yay over something that isn't there yet and this can actually give them the wrong impression of me. Plus, since I expected a lot, I get hurt and kinda get a bit bitter and you know... normally you have the whole "OMG WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" moment.

I guess now that I know that I'm rushing and putting so much effort for the era that doesn't actually matter, I know that as time goes, I wouldn't and shouldn't be that moved during my first approach. And this actually helps me look at things. I am now seeing my future dates as a trial and not as something that's gonna promise me anything....

And this way I can regain sanity and confidence despite the rejection cos come to think of it, why go for those who isn't really into you.... :)