My Homosexuality

I'm in one of these blogworthy moods at the moment. I went on facebook and saw Naing wish me a happy birthday. Naing was one of those few girls I was after as a kid in high school. I thought her pic looks gorgeous so I went into her profile. She lost shit loada weight since high school but for some reason I did like the old chubby version of her since that was the image that strikes me. I was a fat loser kid as well so maybe that was why it was so easy to be 'honestly' crushed by someone my own kind as opposed to superficially attracted to someone for either your own fame benefits or just sex. I was browsing through her pics and found out she got married. This is the second time I found out that my ex crushes got married during my 4 years stay in Australia. Now, it makes me wonder "what would life be if I were straight".

I remembered asking a Buddhist monk once whether it was ok to be gay or not. He said there was no particular reasoning or judgement for such things. He said being gay is part of human but you lose some and this is caused by what you did in the past. Now, back then, I thought he was trying to say "being gay is a bad thing and it's cos u've done bad things in the past" BUT only now I get what he means. By the way, the monk was very non-judgemental about the whole gayness. It was just me implying things. So, now I get what he means.

Now, if I were straight, I would find the girl of my dream, go out, meet her up with my parents, have kids, have arguments over small things, try to solve it out, have white fences and a trampoline in our yard with two dogs, which one of them would be one of our youngest kids' dog since he would not leave the pet shop if we wouldn't buy that ugly little dog for him/her. And I'd be a daddy cleaning puke when he comes home from work. Cleaning their nappies and asking mommy to come dance with me at midnight when the kids are asleep.

I know life isn't all that spectacularly splendid but at times a person could only wish and hope. Now, being gay, I love it. I love the freedom, I love men and I love the whole scene though I don't dwell in it. It's beautiful and brave. Despite the fact that there are bitchy ones and fucked up gay dweebs in town, there are normal ones like me around. And plus, there are fucked up assholes in the straight community anyways. So yeah, I don't think being gay is an issue.

However, it just kills sometimes to know that I won't be able to have a kid that will be of my gene and my boyfriend's. And even if we do, we would need a surrogate mother, who would automatically be attached to this foetus who has stayed in her womb for nine whole months or less. No matter what the mom says I'm sure she'll wanna be a part of our lives as well. So, I'll alwyas have to think of the number 'three' for the family I'm gonna have. Plus, I want my kids to know their real mothers as well and be OK with the fact that their dad is gay and have someone he truly loves as his boyfriend and is grateful for their mommy for being the carrier of my sperm.

It's normal trust me
but it kills me so deep at times......

Music: Jason Mraz - Love For A Child

Mood: mellow