Never in my life have I dealt with emotional rescue. Well, I've always been there for my friends but what happens when any little thing you do affects how one thinks and that also affects the mentality of your own sister. Right now, after I have decided to delete the previous entry that I did (yep, for the second time, I hold a backspace for my blog), I just feel too stuffed up.
I have succeeded in keeping my sister with my mom after all the shit that had happened during the weekend. For once in my life, I've seen myself so angry than that time I tried to cut my wrist. This wasn't anger; this was just rage. I tremble and everything I have bottled up seem to be connected to everything that is happening at the moment. The catch here is the fact that this problem cannot be solved by me alone. It also depends on my sister and for that, I have to do whatever I can to make her happy and not to make her go outta her mind.
Well, for the time being, I got her a backstage pass with me to a punk concert. She seems quite happy about that. And I've asked my friends for better jobs for her and hopefully this will work and keep her sane. It's about time my sister stays happy.
This morning, I went to the monastery where they were celebrating some Thai slash Burmese monk celebration and all that. I saw this guy who was supposed to be looking for jobs for me and he introduced me to this chick, who I have yet to call. Hopefully I get that job. Being idle here makes me think and especially after I feel so much anger at this point, idling is not the best fit for 'things to do'.
I was introduced to this family at the monastery. This woman and a man with two kids. One of them actually caught my attention. My grandma was talking about how I used to go to Ruamrudee International School in Bangkok and this cute kid was actually from there. By kid, I do not think he's that young. So, we talked about our school and it was a nice convo. I don't know but there's something about guys who could talk about things that makes me smile. Like, this international school, where I was really happy, is a good topic to talk about and to become friends with. Then, we broke ways and he followed his parents while I followed my gramps for lunch. Maybe I was imagining but I swear we caught gazes at each other at random times. Before he went home, I said bye to him and he asked me for my facebook. So, I gave him my account name and he gave me his. I did a search for him but it was to no avail. So, I guess hopefully he'll remember my name and he will add me one day. But , damn he was damn cute. American accented Burmese from the same international school I was sure does tickle my flirty veins.
While my mom and I were waiting in the car while my sister moved her things from her house, my mom and I had a talk. I told her that I've been keeping something from her and that I have told my sis seven years ago and other friends and that I felt so unclean for not having told her. Once, my sister told me that if I ever come out to my mom, she would hang herself. Well, half jokingly true, she added. So, I did warn her that this was a material which might make her wanna kill herself. I asked her if I could tell her and she refused to hear it from me. She said even with all these issues, she feels like dying. Not to make it sound so dramatic, we were smiling while we said these. Then, like mom like son, she started asking me stupid questions. Do you have HIV? Did you impregnate a girl? Do you have a wife in Sydney? I said no. I gave her a hint. Once when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should love her even though if she's a ho or a prostitute. I reminded her that and I said I would need her love for this one. She paused and she asked me an interesting question. Did you have any girlfriends back in Sydney? I smiled and said I am not letting you guess. I'm sure my mom knows this has to do something with homosexuality. I told her that I can tell her whenever she's ready. I also reminded her that she would know it once she gets to Sydney anyways. She joked that she didn't wanna come to Sydney anymore. So, yeah I told her "so mom whenever you're ready". And she went 'not now'....
So, I guess I'm still in the closet.
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