The Game of Life

The lust feeling for the same gender had a hold of me today. Here I am thinking I almost got rid of not only females but males in my head to kinda 'wanna' play around with until I found this urge to search for this 'monastery' kid again on facebook. I was pretty sure he gave me his right name and unless he put a nickname like mine on facebook, I wouldn't be able to look for it. So, I went through more than 100 out of 500 profiles to check for his account via the school we both went to in Thailand. Stalking at its best, I even googled his name with either "Burmese" or the name of the school or even both of it and it didn't do any good. I was chatting with a friend on gchat and she was telling me about stuffs in Sydney. Half reading into what she wrote, she came across a name. Homonyms? Isn't it where you have two words spelt differently but has almost the same sound, yet different meanings. A dumbass I have been, his name could be spelt the other way. So, I DID look for that name on facebook and yep, I did find one. He does look like the guy I saw but a photoshopped photo of someone with a cap on doesn't really do any justice and the fact that he has another name of a school as his 'network' kinda doubts me a bit. Well, I left him a message. Now, what are the odds of someone getting a name that sounds the same with the name that that someone is trying to stalk with? Oh, I love fate.

Grandma finally asked about the belly massage that I was to have and I guess she asked this lady, who's her boss but also her 'almost like a daughter' friend, about the contacts. Well, given this lady IS the head of a magazine, she's almost like a breathing directory. However, it so happened that she herself had tried it as well. She said that shit did not work on her and it gave her brown marks on her skin and if it is not done properly, there could be a fair chance that the fats would go into your kidneys. After I heard the news about it from grandma, I turned into a five years old kid. I threw the most ridiculous tantrum and felt as stupidly fucked as I could've ever imagined in my entire life.

To be honest, being fat or just NOT being fit bugs me to tears. I have always wanted to be fit and see how it's like to ACTUALLY look good. I've been doing a good job at hiding it by ridiculing about myself but to be honest and this is quite shameful, I am very very sensitive when it comes to fatness. Now, back in Sydney where most 'normal' male forms have huge butts and semi-tyres around them, I was known as a 'thin' or a 'not fat' guy until I hang around a group of Asians, which I rarely do. Well, unless it's Asians who grew up in Australia. When I came back to Burma, I swear the first phrase before 'Hi' was either 'omg you've gained weight' or 'omg when did you get back?'. Well, the latter being 80% of the popularity of both the phrases combined of course. I'm so sick of it. So, I've started my little routine where I would exercise, eat small lunch, skip dinner and also take diet pills. It's been two weeks and I've been going well but I have been looking forward for this belly massage.

So, in old fashioned Hein way, I broke down. I started to think how useless and unlucky I am. Nothing I had ever tried to get better could stop me. I guess the stress about wanting to make sure my sis gets outta this country before her husband kills her got to me. The stress about me not having a PR when I should be working in Australia, waiting for one, also got to me. The stress about me not having a job at the moment and still dwelling on my grandparents' money also got to me. So, summing it all up, I see myself as a fat lazy dumb irresponsible bastard. It's been a while since the last time I did this but yep, I stopped talking.

Now, my grandparents are almost like parents to me. I mean, they legally adopted me and spend more time than my real mom and dad did with me. It's only fair that they know my nature. After I did my workout today, they came into the room and talked to me about possible ways to get my sister to come to Australia as soon as possible. It wasn't about borrowing money from others but dare I doubt it, my grand-dad is the guru of planning. He gave me this awesome plan that I could've thought of if only I had been smart enough. I just hope I get his genes and it would show in the future. No wonder they could support me during my stay at uni in Australia. Their planning just rocks. Why didn't I think of that earlier????

Now that they're sleeping, I kinda have this other doubt where I see myself in a few years' time living with my mom and sis in Australia but will my grandparents be with us? I mean, seriously they ARE gonna get older. At times like these, I cry inside. Life is sad, ain't it? The monks were right. Life is actually quite sad. It's up to us to play this game of life the most profitable way that we could come up with to get rid of this circle of life.

I'm quite worried for my sister at the present but I guess it's that time to apply the "secret" method. Call me crazy but it had worked on me MANY times.