Playing God

In the past few days, I have learned to become a monster. A mean monster with nothing but anger in my head. I guess divorce is a big deal for any ladies out there. I guess speaking from someone who's always looked at the gender 'female' as equally superior as males, it's kinda a new thing for me to not put myself in my sister's shoes. I guess today I have learnt to let go. I don't know what's gonna happen but I guess I'll be there for her no matter what. Her husband might be an asshole or a douche bag but I wanna be a five star big brother to my sister and I don't wanna fuck it up right now by encouraging her to break up with someone she loves. If things were meant to be, things would happen.....

This, of course, has put me back to the 'laid back' chair. I know it's only tonight that I'm feeling this way but I guess I can slowly learn to adapt myself to this new surrounding. At times like these, I could hear my grand-dad's voice echoing around my ear drums and it's something he would say on any birthdays of mine. "You're a young man". Being in Sydney for uni and Singapore for college on my own has turned me into one selfish bastard who hasn't learnt anything to mature himself. I seem to be helping others a lot occasionally but only with things I've learnt from the past and this only works cos I'm older than them. Would I have been a good director to Med Revue 2009 if I were the same age as Robby and Jack? It makes me wonder at times.

This also makes me realize how bad of a friend I've been to my close ones. I've always been selfish to those who cares around me. I made someone important in my life lose two concert tickets for me and her to go see our favorite stars' concert. I made someone who tried to cling onto my friendship with her feel guilty for not letting me have some time on my own when all she was doing was trying to make it clear to me that she didn't wanna lose the friendship that we once have, like the times she and I and my other important friend, just as important as her, would watch Japanese animes in my room, of course with some fat retard next door. I have evolved and changed the past few years but I've taken a lot more than I could handle. It's good to have things around you but not to the point where you forget what's important to you.

Same things go for my high school as well. I don't really know how to start an email to my once-best friend, for whom I tried my ass off to come to Sydney for. I feel guilty everytime I hang out with someone who's believed me to be there for him and I failed to even email him back, let alone his attempts to make emails with Burmese connections while I was in Sydney. At times, I wanna cry with joy for having a friend who used to be in my car and go out with me and now, he wouldn't hesitate to buy me drinks or even come all the way from his house to pick me up in a taxi, paid by him.

I guess the most important thing about this blog entry is the fact that I believe it's time to grow up. I guess life is only good without clearing ways. I've done a lot of things in the past that I totally regret but still I have managed to see them as things that would enable me to learn. I guess it's time to accept that life is hard and that I should keep trying to grow up no matter what comes in the way and most importantly, to keep to my elements and not be on everyone's ways. You can't play God forever....