Have you ever had one of those dreams where it's just so friggin real and when you wake up, it feels like your dream was the day you've lived before? At 5am, there I was lying down on bed, reminded how 'love' feels like.
It's not like I've ever experienced love in my life before. My ex and I were a case of needy and clingy users. Yes, Simon was cool but he was a backpacker who had a thing for this Burmese guy who was in need of someone to take care of him. Being the first relationship that I was in and since being gay in Sydney was like a competition in a meat market or just a test where the winner is the one who can resist the three sins - greed, jealousy and anger, it all went downhill after two months of lovey dovey cakes and cards and a house we both lived together in. So, if you ask me, I've never felt love before.
However, I'm a romantic at heart. Number one fan of chick flicks and feel good romcoms, I do believe there is such thing called fate or love. I also do believe that there's one for everyone in the world. You just have to let yourself go at the right time to the right person. I have even felt a huge crush on people before. It's the feeling where you wanna spend most of your time with that someone. You just can't help it and he/she is always there whenever you notice you're breathing. That feeling you get when he/she smiles at you, when he/she is actually interested in you and when he/she responds the same way as you do.
If I have to word people in Sydney, be it Caucasians or Asians, they are huge pansies when it comes to 'love'. I am not only referring to Oxford St. Seriously, I've been a fag hag of a lot of people in Sydney and I have to say not a lot of people dare to go the whole run when it comes to 'love'. There are two scenarios..
1. You get tired of looking for the 'perfect one' and you start to take the second best and after several months of being together, you bump into 'the one' and then you go for 'the one' and you start to notice that you have used the 'second best'. So, the second best gets bitter or the culprit feels quite guilty, given he/she is not an asshole-in-process. This is called the 'rushing' scenario.
2. You keep looking for the 'perfect one' and you've found one but such insecurities force you to leave the one you're with, in hopes of finding the better one, who MIGHT be the 'perfect one'. This may leave you in doubt and unfinished relationship. I mean, you left your ex just because you could go for the perfect one but of course you still love your ex.
So, people fail to just sit on their asses and enjoy and KNOW FOR A FACT THAT it is REALLY hard to stay true to someone. Thus, they swing, they sway and they mislead themselves in different directions.
Ok, back to my dream. I was choreographing a dance routine with a guy with a moustache. Hot body and hot looks BUT WITH A FUCKIN MOUSTACHE. Then, we danced for a while and we started making out. Turns out that I had a crush on him way before this dream actually started but that feeling... that feeling when he kissed me.. it was just urghh... love? Then, we held hands and walked to his car and while he was getting his other car for me to get up to, something woke me up and there I was with the feeling that my true love with a moustache has left me for good.
In all honesty, I was down. I know it's stupid to have been affected by a dream but I got so down and a bit depressed. Will I ever feel that in reality? I was talking to Sean (one of the people in Sydney I haven't met) and when I mentioned to him that I wanna feel that way in Sydney, he went offline. I'd like to think that his internet connection sucks.
I got an email from the ASEAN Nargis group for a job interview. I went to the interview and there was a Thai chick who I know and a Burmese woman. After summarizing about their 'thing', I was asked to do two tasks. I only finished one with great difficulties. How would I be able to translate an English review to a Burmese review while typing them to a computer. I used like one whole hour for two paragraphs. I don't really think they were impressed. I mean, if I were the employer, I swear that would not be that appropriately impressive. However, since I am actually asked to do lots of stuffs if I get the job and since they know I have a huge ass weakness in Burmese language, I still do have hopes. I guess it will be funny if I actually get this job.
I can't stop thinking about this love thing. It's so unnecessary at the moment when I have this job interviewed in progress, a PR to wait for, friends to avoid, friends to give time for, a sister to take care of, a family to spend time with and of course, an identity to stay hidden in the closet. So, why on earth am I craving for love once again? This is SOOOOOOO 2004.
No comments:
Post a Comment